Saturday, November 13, 2010

a nine month realization

I usually try and live my life without worrying about the things that I never had. that being said, I do have to admit that there was something that I never thought would happen to me. not to sound to much like an after school special, but when your significant other is presently taking three pregnancy tests at the gynaecologist's office, you begin to notice the true value of a condom. all three tests came back negative. at the time, I wasn't afraid. by some odd train of thought, when I heard my girlfriend telling me that earlier that day she had been told by her doctor that because of her being a week late to receive birth control, there was a fair chance that she might have been pregnant.
yes I realize that this is usually the point when most twenty-one year old men head screaming for the hills. in my case however there was a mute shock. by this point in the day, the tests had already come back, all three of them negative. by the time I got the news the whole of the issue had been resolved, but still, an odd feeling washed over me. for a few moments before she told me, I had braced myself for the worst. She had acted in a manner that gave me every reason to believe that she was pregnant. but then it was revealed that it wasn't the case, nothing had changed in our lives in the twenty four hours, and I didn't know how to act.
for the whole of my life I had wanted to be a father, but at the exact same time I had known that I wasn't ready. like the experiment of "Schodinger's Cat", my being a father was both a certainty and an impossibility. Something I wanted and yet wasn't ready to have was suddenly taken away from me. I would like to believe that I was a good boyfriend in that moment, we talked things out, agreed that we weren't ready, I told her that I loved her, and that none of this was her fault. and in the end, we only got closer because of it. we stayed together for another five months after that. things didn't work out, but this moment took no part in that decision.
Here I am, nine months later, suddenly coming upon the realization that had the test been positive I would most likely be holding my child in my arms right now instead of writing this. at the time I was glad the tests were negative, I knew that I wasn't ready to be a father at that moment. But now, here I am, wondering what it would have been like to hold my child. I can't regret something that I never had, but at the same time, I can't help but wondering if it would have been better if the test had been positive.